Directionally Challenged
by D3ath by Radishes
Summary: While tracking down an Alchemist gone wrong, Edward, Alphonse, Mustang, and Hawkeye find that they must go undercover...on a certain pirate ship involving a certain rubber teen that likes meat and is striving to become King of the Pirates...


**D3ath: Hello everyone! Me and my friend Giant-Flying-Radish-of-Doom are co-writing this story! I'm very excited about this, so enjoy!**

**Directionally Challenged  
**

**Chapter 1: Of Bar fights and Pirates  
**

He lazily sipped his drink as he watched the unfolding scene with half-lidded eyes. He was the picture of contentment; laid back in his chair, seemingly half-asleep, an elbow propped against a scrubbed wooden table as he watched the antics of two certain teenagers at the counter of the bar. His other hand rested in his pocket, hidden from the rest of the bar's occupants, and with good reason. He was handsome, too, with dark hair and eyes, pale skin, slacks, black polished shoes, and a collared shirt that was opened at the top. A female blonde sat next to him, watching the proceedings with level sienna eyes. She was the complete opposite of the dark-haired man beside her; straight and rigid with attention, her fingers barely touching the handgun on her belt. She was dressed in a skirt and blouse, her long blonde hair down while her bangs were pinned neatly to the side of her face. She was also watching the proceedings of the two teenagers, but her eyes displayed a more wary, cautious and careful look than the man's lazy amusement.

"So, what are two little kids like you doing in a place like this?" One large man jeered, swallowing his beer. The crowd around him laughed, and they missed the darkening of the smaller teen's face. The other teen didn't, however, and Roy Mustang silently counted down.

3…2…1…

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING LITTLE?!!" Bingo. Fullmetal was always so predictable. The taller blonde grabbed Edward Elric's arms, pulling him back as the smaller blonde flailed.

"Niisan, stop!!" he tried to console, but Edward wasn't having any of it.

"JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL FREAKISHLY TALL DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN'T KICK YOUR BUTT—"

"What was that?!" one of the large and burly bar men snarled, standing up and knocking over his drink. The light demeanor of the men instantly changed into one of drunken anger. The man in charge cracked his knuckles. "You little punks—"

Edward broke free from his younger (and taller) brother's grip, and launched himself forward, planting his right fist into the man's face with all the ferocity of an avenging demon.

Colonel Roy Mustang sat up, watching the upcoming brawl with interest. Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye sighed and stood, ready to stop the brothers, but Mustang shook his head, quietly gesturing for her to sit down. This was going to be fun to watch, and it was giving him good blackmail material for Edward.

"But sir—" Hawkeye protested, but Mustang hushed her as he turned back to the evolving bar fight.

"BRATS!!" another drunk shouted, lunging at Alphonse Elric. The taller blonde's gray eyes flashed, and he sidestepped the blow.

"I don't want to fight you," he said calmly, tapping the back of the man's neck with his index finger. The man's eyes bulged, and he collapsed. Mustang gave a low whistle. Alphonse certainly knew his pressure points. He turned his attention back to Ed, his dark eyes widening for a moment as Fullmetal shot him an evil grin. He leapt to his feet.

"Fullmetal, don't you dare—!!" He dodged to the side as Edward threw a man in his direction, sending him crashing into their table. He let out a low growl, pulling his right hand out of his pocket. His hand was covered in a glove with a circle and a salamander on the back, and he was ready to snap his fingers when…

_Bang! Bang! Bang!_ He froze, as well as everyone else in the bar. He felt the familiar nozzle of Hawkeye's gun press against the back of his head, and a trickle of sweat rolled down the side of his face.

"Sir, I would advise against that," she said calmly, and Mustang swallowed nervously. Slowly, he removed his glove and placed it into his pocket. "Very good, sir," she said, before shooting a stern look in Edward and Alphonse's direction. "Knock it off, you two." The two boys nodded and quickly stepped away, Alphonse dropping a man onto his face.

As she turned away, a drunk snorted. "Stupid whore. I bet she's the type to have men in her bed almost every nigh—" Hawkeye spun around and shot, the bang of her gun echoing around the silent bar. The man shrieked aloud in fear as a bullet whizzed past his face. He paled, then turned green.

"I would advise against finishing that sentence," the blonde said calmly and deadly. She frowned for a moment. "Sir, put the gloves _away_." Mustang flashed her a guilty look before slipping his gloves back into his pocket.

"I suggest we leave," Mustang said, shooting a nervous look in Hawkeye's direction. She nodded in response.

"Yes sir," she said, and they all quickly left, leaving an unnaturally quiet bar behind them.

"So tell me again, Mustang," Edward growled as they walked through the streets. "Why did we just waste our time in there? If you wanted a drink, you could've just gone by yourself." Alphonse rolled his eyes at his older brother.

"Niisan, you're being rude again."

"Shut up, Al."

"I was actually listening for information, Fullmetal," Mustang said. "I was actually getting a lot, too, until you started that bar fight. Thanks to you especially, Fullmetal, we had to leave." Edward grumbled and shoved his hands into his pockets, glaring at the ground.

"What information did you get on the killer, sir?" Hawkeye asked quietly. Mustang sighed and rubbed his temple. They were on a mission to track down a former member of the military, who had killed his superiors in the last civil war.

"I heard two men discussing a man with magic powers—" at this, Edward let out a low growl (he hated it when it was mistaken as magic) "—had joined a pirate ship. He's discovered that we are currently tracking him, and he's taken a boat to the Grand Line as we speak." Edward swore, and Hawkeye nodded. Al merely remained silent, his gray eyes stormy. It was always so startling to see the younger brother look like that. After seeing him as an empty suit of armor for nearly five years, it was strange seeing him as a human again. Edward, however, still remained the same, retaining his automail, and keeping his small stature (he had been growing, however).

"I'm surprised you were in that fight, Fullmetal," Mustang said suddenly, and Ed shot him a suspicious glance.

"Why so, Colonel?" Alphonse asked, blinking.

A smirk crept onto Mustang's face. "I half-expected him to get stepped on, being so small."

"WHOTHEHELLAREYOUCALLINGSOSMALLTHATTHEYCOULDFITINTHEGROOVESOFASHOE?!!!" Ed bellowed, lunging at his superior officer. A small smile worked onto Hawkeye's face as Alphonse struggled to restrain his brother. Mustang, however, kept his smirk.

"What's wrong, Fullmetal? Can't keep your _short_ temper in check?" he asked cheerfully.

A long stream of obscenities burst from the small blonde's mouth, and as they walked, quite a few people glanced at the angry teen in shock. Mustang fought hard to keep a large grin from breaking out onto his countenance. "Now, now, Fullmetal, just because you're _shorter_ than your _younger_ brother doesn't mean that you have to take your temper out on everyone _taller_ than you."

That did it. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!" Ed shrieked, practically frothing at the mouth.

Al was forced to grab his brother from behind. "Niisan, you can't kill him!" he cried, struggling to withhold his older brother.

"HE DESERVES IT, THE BASTARD!!" Edward continued to struggle. "DAMMIT AL, LET GO!!"

**oOoOoOo**

Mustang looked at the snail in confusion. "How do you use this?" he asked. They were all gathered in a hotel, the one that they were staying at, and they were all standing around what the hotel manager called a 'Den Den Mushi'. Edward scowled, still angry from what Mustang said earlier. Alphonse shook his head, not knowing, while Riza spoke.

"I don't know, sir," she said. "Why don't you try to use it?" Mustang nodded, before picking up the speaking end of the…snail? Phone? Whatever.

"_Hello?"_ Mustang blinked as he saw the snail's lips move, but he spoke into his end of the snail.

"Connect me to Amestris's Central Military Headquarters," he said commandingly.

There was a pause before another voice spoke. _"Central Headquarters, how may I help you?"_

"This is Colonel Mustang, reporting to General Armstrong from an outside line. Code is ankle-sugar-oliver-8-0-0."

"_Please wait a moment," _the voice said, and Mustang waited patiently, listening to the brothers argue about something in the back.

"…You haven't been taking care of it! Winry's going to be mad at you again, Niisan."

"Yes I have! I oiled it last night, after you were asleep."

"…Niisan, you fell asleep before I did." Mustang repressed a snicker, and Ed shot him a glare. "Even the Colonel can vouch for that." There was another awkward pause from Edward before Alphonse spoke again. "Niisan, you're a horrible liar."

"Al! Okay, fine, I didn't oil it. Happy? I'll do it later."

"Niisan, you need to do it every week! What would Winry say?"

"She'd yell at me and call me an alchemy freak, the automail junky."

Alphonse let out a laugh, just as Olivier's voice spoke through the snail. _"This better be good, Mustang,"_ she said harshly, and Mustang rolled his eyes.

"I managed to get some information about the Light Alchemist," he said. "We discovered that one Jonathan Martin boarded a pirate ship, and is now heading to the Grand Line."

Olivier thought for a moment. _"Have you contacted the marines in the area?"_ she asked, and Edward let out a snort of contempt. _"Well?"_ she demanded. _"I'm waiting, Mustang."_

"The marines here are…how shall I put this, Lieutenant? Fullmetal?" Mustang asked, glancing back at the two.

"A load of bull," Edward immediately said.

"Niisan! That's not very nice."

"I would have to agree with him, Alphonse-kun," Hawkeye said calmly. "It's the most disorganized military group I've seen."

"One of their buildings was painted with pink and blue _stripes_," Ed said, making a face. "And they're the joke of the neighborhood. Apparently, they can't do any shit right," he added.

"_Shut up, Fullmetal. No one cares about what you have to say,"_ Olivier immediately said, and Edward stopped, a nervous look on his face. Apparently, there was only four people Edward truly feared: Winry, Izumi Curtis, Hawkeye, and finally, General Olivier Armstrong. The woman had threatened to pluck out his "antennae" point blank and called him a red shrimp, and he dared not say anything in return. Apparently, she was just as bad as Izumi. _"Alright, well, Mustang, you, Fullmetal, and the Lieutenant are to go undercover. If you're to catch this man, I doubt the marines would be able to help you, but I'm sure you'll be able to find him faster with pirates, don't you think?"_

Mustang nodded, while Edward and Alphonse gaped at him in surprise. "Yes, I think that would be the best course of action."

"_Alright, do whatever you can to catch them. Oh, and you've been promoted."_ Mustang blinked in surprise, pausing before speaking.

"To what positions, General?" he asked, and Olivier made a noise of disapproval.

"_You've been promoted to Major General, Fullmetal's promoted to Colonel, and Riza Hawkeye's promoted to Major. You will be given your ranks upon your return to Central, not like you or Fullmetal deserve it, anyways, lazy bastards." _Mustang's eyebrow twitched in annoyance, and Edward opened his mouth.

"What the hell?!" he demanded, "I didn't—"

"_Shut the hell up, shrimp. I don't want to hear your whining. If you have any complaints, go complain to someone other than me. I sure as hell don't want to deal with them."_ Edward scowled but complied. _"Now go and leave me alone."_ She hung up, leaving the four of them standing there, staring at the snail/phone.

"Wow…Niisan, you're a Colonel," Al said slowly, his eyes wide, and Ed swore.

"Dammit, I didn't want any fucking promotion—" he snarled, and Mustang shrugged.

"Personally, Fullmetal, I think it's about time," he said cheerfully. Ever since the last civil war with King Bradley and the Homunculus, he had been working harder than ever to get to the top…with General Olivier Armstrong taking out everyone else that stood in his way. The majority of the Generals had been killed during the last battle, while some of the others had been executed for numerous actions against the state, leaving the position free for Mustang and Olivier to take.

Mustang looked at his silver watch. "It's getting late. We'll retire to our rooms, then let's start looking for some pirates in the morning." Edward scowled, while Alphonse and Hawkeye nodded. "In the morning, I want you all to disregard rank. We'll be normal civilians looking to join a pirate crew. We can't have them suspecting we're a part of the military in any way, understood?" Alphonse, Edward, and Hawkeye nodded, both Edward and Hawkeye saluting. "Good. You're free for the night."

"I'm going to take a walk," Edward immediately grumbled, stalking off. Alphonse shot the newly-promoted General a sheepish look before apologizing and following after his older brother. Hawkeye nodded and bid him goodnight before heading up to her room, most likely to clean her gun before retiring for the night. Mustang leaned against the wall, rubbing his forehead. Hopefully, the mission would be over soon and he'd be able to head back to headquarters.

**oOoOoOo**

The next morning dawned bright and early, with a grumpy Edward, an ever-stoic Hawkeye, and a cheerful Alphonse, who had the pleasure of dragging his older out of his bed. Edward was still rubbing his backside.

"Damn, Al, that hurt," he mumbled, yawning, and Al snickered in response.

Mustang smirked at Ed. "Well, grab something to eat, and we'll go. We're going to be out the whole day. Alphonse, Edward, you two go down and cover the right half of the city, Hawkeye and I will cover the left half, understood? Keep an eye for pirates, and do your best to talk to them. We'll meet up at noon at the Execution Platform in the plaza. Understood?"

They all nodded in response, and Al tugged his brother away. "Come on, Niisan, let's go." As the two blondes departed, Mustang sighed. Something wasn't right, and he frowned.

"Why do I have a feeling that something's going to happen?" he asked Hawkeye, and she glanced at him.

"I don't know, sir," she said, and Mustang held up a hand, his traditional smirk in place.

"Don't forget, we're undercover now," he said, and Hawkeye rolled her eyes, a small smile on her face.

"Of course…Mustang," she said, and Mustang grinned, taking her elbow and pulling her along.

"Come on, Riza, let's go find us some pirates."

**oOoOoOo**

**D3ath: So, how'd you guys like it? Took me forever to write. And just to let you know, this takes place after the manga, so if you don't know General Olivier Armstrong, she's a blue-eyed, light blonde woman that's a demon with a sword. She can easily beat her younger brother Alex Armstrong in a fight, she's critical, she's mean, and she kicks butt when she wants to. And the reference about plucking Ed's antennae and calling him a red shrimp comes from chapter 65 of the Fullmetal Alchemist series. And she's freaking epic. :D **

**Oh, by the way, we're alternating chapters...and I got stuck with the first one. Yanno, the first one's always the hardest to do. D: And Radish came up with the title because "how do you get to Loguetown from Amestris?" Therefore, _Directionally Challenged._  
**

**Radish, it's your turn! ^-^**


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